The Red and Grey

Santa Science

Bronson Carey, News Editor/Writer

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Saint Nicolas, Kris Kingle, Santa Clause, many names representing the same entity, the being who possessed the amazing ability to accomplish the impossible…or is it? As kids grow into teenagers, their Christmas beliefs fade along with their innocence, inevitably leading to the depressing conclusion there is no Santa Clause. To debate his existence remains a matter for philosophers and professors, the point to be brought up in this time is the possibility of his existence. Could old Nick manage to fulfill his promise of delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world? Of course he could, the process would simply require an application of fundamental and theoretical physics, or as some prefer to call it, “Christmas magic”.

The first issue requiring discussion and explanation stands as the obvious one: how can Santa travel all around the world in one night? Luckily, he possesses a range of advantages. Thanks to daylights savings time, he actually has about thirty-six hours from Christmas Eve to Christmas morn to accomplish this task, and not every household in the world believes in and welcomes Mr. Clause; as stated by Forbes/science, Santa only needs to visit thirty-one% of household in the world within a span of thirty-six hours; after performing the math, that means he must travel about “6400 miles-per-hour.”  Which still seems like an outrageous goal, even with the reduced numbers, for this, a few theories exist.

Perhaps there are multiple Santas, like something of an organization, each equipped with the same technology, allowing for the weight of all those houses to be lessened on each individual one. Perhaps Santa, given his years of seclusion spent studying, developed warp drive technology, allowing his sleigh to warp a bubble of space time around it, pulling space ahead while pushing it behind, theoretically allowing him to excel the speed of light, 670,616,629.38 miles-per hour, meaning that the 6400 required would be child’s play. Combining those two ideas together, multiple Santa’s excelling the speed of light, he/they might complete the job with time to spare by essentially slowing time down.

The next matter of Christmas magic to bring light as to why all of the gifts he brings have a label stating “made in China”, or in the exact same packaging you saw as a child on TV, or why they have the Apple brand. It also seems unlikely that a simple toy workshop created the complex mechanisms present in today’s smartphones that so many kids acquire these days. Time evolves, and so must the deliverance Santa has to meet to comply with his growing demand. This issue easily remedies with the possibility of an elf powered sweatshop beneath the aesthetically pleasing workshop above. Most of the production completed by hundreds  of workers on an assembly line to comply with growing demand, exhibiting a great strain on the elves having to adjust; think of that next time your Christmas list touches the floor. As for the packaging and labels, people ask for specific brands, and to replicate as such without permission creates copyright issues with anything from a brand name toy dinosaurs to the latest iphone, so Santa must possess underground deals, contracts, and permissions with the corresponding corporations allowing him to use their brands and packaging. There exists a brighter end to this, however, void of legality and sweatshops. The corporations gain little from the contract aside from marketing, showing even the most hardened businessmen can come together and support the spirit of Christmas.

Thirdly, how does Santa carry all those millions upon millions of gifts for all the children he visits? Simple, actually. His sack contains a pocket dimension, an area of space time fitted around the sack, creating something of an alternate, bubble dimension attached to his sack, capable of holding all the gifts he takes with him without any mass added to this plane of existence to weigh down his warp-powered sleigh. From there, an automated system may easily be established to differentiate the presents’ owners.

Finally, how would the man, in such a rush, stop at individual houses, eat their cookies, and leave the presents neatly lain? Perhaps he sets his system up at highly populated locations such as New York and allows projections of his figures to materialize the presents where they belong and take the offering presented, once more cutting down on the time burnt completing his task.

Santa’s existence may or may not be a matter of debate, but it is entirely possible, given all his resources and time spent to experiment and perfect his machinery for the coming frenzy of capitalistic giving we call Christmas; a pinch  of Christmas science explains everything.

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